When Ivy*, a 35-year-old activist, lived in New York, her relationships never seemed to work out.
negotiate those with the perspective, needs, wants, and values of at least one other person and likely even more.
Ivy was, for all intents and purposes, the "secondary." She was more curious than turned off: "I've always been one to question relationship paradigms, and I thought, well, the only way for me to really understand this is to try it," she says.
For a period of six months, she decided, she'd date both her boyfriend his girlfriend.
If she did end up in a monogamous relationship, the same thing would happen when she hit the six- or eight-month mark: she'd cheat. There she met a man at a conference who was "super polyamorous," she says.
Her new partner's version of "super polyamory" was different from the secretive multiple-partner dating she'd been doing back in New York: this was all out in the open, with lots of discussions about boundaries and agreements; what was okay between them, and what was not.